The Tape
by ArchLucie
Summary: *Shepard searches for a tape that goes missing. Antics ensue. *This work contains a sorry attempt at crack, humor, parady, a Troll!MShep breaking the fourth wall, and eventual MShenko. *Fill for a Kmeme prompt. (Rated M for language and adult themes.)


**A/N:** This work contains a sorry excuse at crack and humor and parady, a Bastard!/Troll!Shep breaking the fourth wall, and eventual MShenko that I really tried not to include but they got together anyway. (Damn plot bunnies!) But I think it's funny, parts at least, and hopefully you will too.

**Kinkmeme prompt:** For some reason, there is a vid that Shepard really wants suppressed. Most assume sex tape. It ain't. Would prefer this to be as humorous and cracky as possible.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>"Shit! Where is it?" Shepard mumbled from under the bed. Ash sat up under the covers.<p>

"What's going on?" she asked, slightly embarrassed to be naked in the presence of a man, even if he was soon to be her husband.

"Yoink!" he said, ripping off the ring he gave her the night before. "Gonna try that on Jack."

She looked at him horrified. "But—"

"Yeah, it'll never work on her. How about Kasumi? She likes shiny things."

"But Shepard?!"

"But Ash?" he said mockingly. "Get off your ass and help me look for my tape," he ordered.

"But I thought..."

"Why are you so lazy? See, this is why nobody will ever marry you."

"We're not getting married?" she asked ashamedly for breaking the vow to her god to stay pure till marriage.

"You're such a prude. Consider yourself left at the alter, free to be alone for the rest of your life with only your cats to keep you company. Happy? Now, help me look for my tape."

"Look for what?!"

"MY TAPE! It's very important to galactic survival or something. Anyway, I need to find it ASAP!"

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR DAMN TAPE, _COMMANDER!_" she yelled, running out of his quarters in just the blanket.

"Been there, done that," he snickered. "EDI? What did you do with it?"

"I don't know what you mean, Shepard," she said, playfully.

"Where is my tape? My most prized possession, the only thing in the galaxy that I'm fighting for. You know, my tape!"

"Ohhh, that tape," she feigned innocence. "I think I may have found it when I was cleaning."

"Why were you cleaning my room?"

"Joker bought a french maid outfit so I pretended to clean your room when you were out on your last op. Then, we desecrated your bed with the abomination of AI robot/human sex."

"Oookkkaaayyy...Where is it now?"

"It's in Jeff's footlocker. Would you like me to send someone up wearing it?"

"No, my tape! Wait, what? Hmmm...yeah, send Garrus up in it. Tell him I have something for him to 'calibrate'."

Ten minutes later, he left his cabin, clothes tattered and ripped from Turian talons, a huge gushing cut on his forehead intersecting his hairline.

"Where's my tape, EDI?"

"Joker has it. He's in Miranda's cabin."

"UGH!" He rushed down to the crew deck and towards Miranda's room/office/cabin. Before he could get there, Vega, Alenko, and Vas Normandy stopped him.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" asked Tali concerned.

"Nothing that seeing your face couldn't cure," he replied suavely.

"You're making me blush..."

"Show me your face and I'll tell you," he purred.

"But I could die," she sighed.

"Sometimes you gotta take risks," he smirked.

She thought for a moment and took off her mask. All three men gasped at her horrid appearance. Her head was in 2-D, flat and square like a piece of paper, and her face appeared to be that of a stock photo from somewhere that was pasted onto her body.

"Gonna have to start calling you Fugly instead of Sparks," Vega said with a shiver.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," she said as she put her helmet on and ran to the med-bay.

"So are we," Shepard gagged.

"That was harsh, Commander," Kaidan bemoaned. "She wasn't _that_ bad."

"Says the guy with the Ardak-Yakshi fetish. Or is that a death wish from your guilt over killing that asshole at 17? Anyway, what's got you down, Loco?"

"EDI stole a tape I had. I'm trying to get it back."

"What's a tape?" James asked.

"You're too young to understand, Vega. Go pump some iron and try not to give into your feelings for Steve while us grownups talk," he said, motioning to Kaidan.

"Yes, sir," he saluted and left.

"It's not just me, right? They're gonna hook up?"

"A lot of people think so. What's on the tape, Shepard?"

"I might as well tell you, Alenko. You're gonna die on Virmire anyway."

"What? Did you just say I—"

"Hate to break it to you like this LT, but most peeps who...how shall I say this?...take over my body for hours at a time and force me to live my life over and over and over again are dudes. And well, quite frankly, they'd rather stare at Ash's rack than yours."

"I don't know what you mean?"

"Not to mention, you have that guy's voice from those other games in which people hated you, too. But mostly it's because: Newsflash, you're a biotic murdering weirdo AND boring to boot!"

"I don't see how, I have the most interesting backstory and character growth and development of any of the crew. And have you seen my ass?"

Shepard spun him around and investigated by squeezing his firm glutes. "Well I'll be damned, Alenko. I don't realize I'm gay till game three, or that you're bi...but we could start early if you—"

"Commander? The tape?" Kaidan distracted him, blushing.

"It's nothing. I need to talk to Miranda."

"Is it a sex tape? It's a sex tape," Shepard heard Kaidan say as he walked away.

He stormed into Miranda's office full steam. "Where's Joker?" he yelled.

"He hobbled quickly down to engineering when EDI told him you were coming. I heard about your 'predicament'. Is it a sex tape of you and me doing all those things that the depraved people on the kinkmeme asked for?" Miranda asked dryly. "_Those_ people are sick!"

Shepard cleared his throat. "Ahem. See that person over there?" he asked, pointing to me, "she's one of those, ahem, 'people'," he whispered.

_(A/N: Kill off Miranda.)_

"Oh," she furrowed her brow. "Sorry about that."

"Uh, huh. ANYWAY I need to find Joker and get that tape back."

He left her cabin and turned toward the sleeper pod regulators.

"Congrats, Kaidan. Miranda's taking your place on Virmire."

"Dammit! I just got rid of my apartment."

"Guess we'll get that date after all," he smirked as he grabbed Kaidan and kissed him. He broke away and said, "You'll need to work on that while I'm dead."

"Dead, sir?"

"Yeah, I'll die and you'll hate me for being rebuilt by Cerberus who I'll also join and blah blah blah. But don't worry, _then_ we'll bang."

"Sure thing, Commander. I'll beef up some, too."

"Well aren't you a gentleman!"

He turned to leave then turned back around quickly.

"AH Shit! Wait a minute, I need Miranda to rebuild me. So that dying thing is back on for you."

"BUT—"

Shepard didn't hear the rest, he was already halfway to the elevator. Jenkins joined him as he went down to deck 4.

"I thought you were dead, Dick."

"It's Richard. Only my brother calls me Dick. And oops," he said as he disappeared.

"Damn ghosts."

He went into engineering and saw Daniels and Donnelly getting it on at their station. He rolled his eyes and walked passed them.

"Hey, Adams. Seen Joker?" The engineer didn't get a chance to answer before Jack came up and kicked Shepard in the balls.

"Sex tape with the cheerleader? What about all those depraved things you were supposed to do with me?" she snickered as she winked at me.

"You're good, Jack. Kick him again," I said.

She obliged and kicked him in the stomach.

"Ugh, it's not a sex tape." Shepard assured her. "Why does everyone think it's a sex tape?"

"'Cause you're a demented perv who hits on everyone. Bet you even slept with Anderson."

"How'd you know?" he asked shyly. "How else would someone labeled a butcher get to command the Normandy? Hackett was there too..." Awkward silence. "Where's Joker?"

"He went down to the shuttle bay."

"Thanks. And it's NOT a sex tape," he assured her again.

"Whatever, boy scout. Wanna make out later?"

He nodded excitedly as he exited.

Before heading down to deck 5, he decided to check in on Grunt. He opened the door without knocking and went pale as he saw Grunt jacking off to a picture of Liara. He vomited before turning around and running out as fast as he could.

"It's perfectly normal...I think...damn baby Krogan. Can't wait to fake helping them."

He continued his trek to the hanger bay as he tried to burn the mental image of Grunt out of his memory. It was replaced by the sight of James and Steve humping on top of the Kodiak.

"What the hell? You guys were supposed to be 'in' the Kodiak, not 'on' the damn thing," Shepard mumbled as he covered his eyes.

"Sorry, Shepard," Steve sobbed.

"Pull yourself together man. He's dead. Get over it. I'm the only one in this 'verse that gets raised from the dead."

"Sorry, Loco, but Allers wanted to watch," James said, nodding behind him towards Diana.

Shepard held back the urge to vomit again at the sight of her. "How do you keep getting on my ship? I've thrown you off ten times now!"

"Guess I'm like a bad case of herpes. I just keep flaring up. What's on the tape, Commander?"

"How do you know about that?"

"I'm a reporter, I know everythi—"

"I told her, Loco. She told me what a tape was. DAMN you're old!"

His face went red as he grabbed her and led her over to the airlock. He opened the compartment and threw her in. The door slammed shut between them, but she just smirked as he pushed the button and shot her into space.

He turned around and was startled to see her standing behind him. "GODDAMMIT!"

"Don't worry, I'm just a ghost this time. Can't kick me off now."

"NNNNOOOOOO!" He hollered as he ran towards the empty elevator. The doors shut, but he saw the reflection of a Turian on the metal door. He spun around. "Don't scare me like that Nihlis! I've already had my fright for the day. More than my fair share actually."

"Do you need me to get rid of her? As a ghost, I can do that. Still pissed at you for letting me get stabbed in the back, though. Maybe next time you won't stop to mourn your dead when there are Reapers touching down. Should've left Ash too."

Shepard rolled his eyes and nodded. "Get rid of her. And take that Jenkins guy with you."

"Yes, Commander," he said as he vanished.

Shepard grumbled as he headed to the med-bay. He needed some medi-gel for the cut Garrus gave him in the thralls of passion.

He sat down on an exam table and let Dr. Hacksaw patch him up. He laid down to rest for a minute. Running around the ship after a crippled pilot was hard work. He'd rather take on a thrasher maw again.

Then he heard Joker's voice. He slowly got up and headed to the area that stored most of EDI's systems and memory.

"Commonder, you cont go in there," said the doc.

"Can it, Alchy. Keep your mouth shut and I'll by you some of that booze you like so much. The brandy that tastes like Elcor piss."

"Very well, Commonder."

"Remember when you tried to get me drunk so you could feel me up? I don't go for ggilfs. 'Great grandmother's I'd like to fucking kick out of bed' is more like it. I should set you up with Hackett and his old balls. What's up with that scar? I think it's fake. At least he looks better than that Prothean guy."

He continued on into where EDI's consensus thingy was. Joker was standing near the back wall. He looked at it him and then to EDI's mainframe, thoughtfully mulling over his next move.

"Where's the tape, Moreau?" he said with a playful tone.

"EDI told me not to tell. It's a sex tape, right?"

"NO Dammit! Why do people keep saying that?"

"Sure, Commander," he rolled his eyes.

"Tell me or I'll..."

"Or you'll what?"

Shepard thumbed through the storage compartments until he saw the memory stick that said, "blackmail, extortion, and Commander Shepard's dirty secrets". He extracted the data, stomped on the drive and crushed it into a million pieces.

"...I'll do that to the rest of her!"

Jeff swallowed hard. "You know that stick up Garrus' ass? We replaced it with the tape."

"LIAR! I was just in there," he smirk. He pulled out another memory stick. This one said, "weird humor." He slowly placed it on the ground and raised his foot.

"Okay, okay! It's still in your cabin...we put it in the hamster cage," he said with a sigh of relief as Shepard put his foot slowly back on the ground.

"I think I'll hold onto this until I can verify your story," he said as he picked it up.

He turned and headed out to his cabin. Kaidan was waiting for him in the small area outside of the elevator when he arrived.

"I have a solution for the Virmire thing," he said softly.

"I'm listening," Shepard said as he opened the door and motioned for Kaidan to follow him.

"Well, what about that Jacob guy? He's kind of irrelevant. Why not put him in my place?"

"Not a bad idea. Then, I can send Miranda up into the Shroud to fake the genophage cure so Mordin can live. I like that guy!"

"What a relief," Kaidan mumbled. "I wasn't looking forward to my death."

"Neither do I, but it happens a lot. At least most people stop playing fifteen minutes before the end. I hate getting ripped apart at the molecular level for someone else's 'artistic integrity'," he sighed. "And don't get me started on the plot holes..."

Shepard walked over to the hamster cage, reached in, and pulled out the tape. He brushed off the synthetic wood chips and held the tape close to his chest.

"What's on it...if you don't mind me asking," Kaidan asked sheepishly.

"Ever seen Silence of the Lambs?"

"Yeah," he replied cautiously.

"You know the scene in which the serial killer dances naked in front of the mirror with his junk tucked back between his legs?"

"Yeah," he repeated cautiously.

"It's me doing the same thing when I was younger. I watch it everyday and it makes me laugh so hard that my sides split. Literally, because of the damage that the Human Reaper did to me, and the beating I took from Kai Lang on Thessia. Not to mention the weak skin matrix that I received when Cerberus rebuilt me..."

"I think your timeline's out of whack again—"

"...And it's the only thing that keeps me from buckling under the pressure and blowing my brains out. Wanna watch it?"

"You blowing your brains out?"

"NO! The tape."

"Oh, sure."

They watched the tape. Kaidan sat there with a bewildered look on his face when it was done.

"What is it?" asked Shepard skeptically.

"That's not you..."

"Yeah, it is. See, I'm naked and in that robe. My hair's a bit longer and redder, I'm shorter, and my eyes are more of a green color, but that's me! Look, I've finally grown into my pecks!" he exclaimed as he lifted his shirt. "Maybe the song's a bit different, too. But that's me," he pointed at the screen.

"No, Commander. See the dog tags? They say Jane Shepard. Not John Shepard."

"Oh dammit...it must be the female version of me. Sometimes our universes cross. Is it weird if I say she's hot?"

"Not sure."

"Now what am I gonna use to get me through all this crap when I know I'm gonna die at the end because 'she' never plays mp?" he motioned to me, crossing his arms as he stared defiantly at me.

"Do you want me to bring Ash back up here?" I asked firmly.

"No, no. I'll find a new reason to live," he chuckled at me with a big cheeky grin.

*Cough* I clear my throat motioning to Kaidan.

"Well, I know we aren't supposed to be together until game three, but 'she'," Shepard said waving shyly at me, "'she' has a thing for MShenko. She can just rewrite our canon and substitute it with her headcanon. Like she did with Miranda for pissing her off. Right?"

"Sure, why not?" I said.

Shepard gave me two 'okay' signs.

"Come here, you!" he said back to Kaidan as they fell into bed. "OH GOD!"

"What is it?" Kaidan asked, watching Shepard jump off the bed with a horrified expression.

"I have to burn this bed. Robot/Human sex occurred here. It's tarnished," Shepard smirked as Kaidan rolled off the bed and shivered beside him. "Fish tank?"

"On or in?"

"Why not both, Major!"

"Major?" Kaidan asked with a raised brow.

"Long story..."


End file.
